I'm a quitter

I quit Weight Watchers. Again.

I started in February after finally getting SO convicted on how my weight was impacting my health. I was gung ho. I subscribed to WW magazine, tracked my points online. Mourned the foods that I was no longer able to eat (though with WW there's nothing you can't eat..you just have to make the points work.)

The weight started to come off. All in all I lost 19 lbs. I can fit into clothes I haven't worn for a while and feel more comfortable in my skin.

And then life happened.. In June we had a steady stream of visitors until Ben's birthday. I tried my best to eat healthy when we went out. But I can't avoid the desserts!

Eating is such a struggle for me. I love the comfort of something that tastes good. I love everything about food..the smell, the taste, the texture. I even love grocery shopping. There's something about the smell of the store..the searching the aisles for new items.

I also love cooking, which I must have inherited from my father. It's the only "crafty" thing I can do. I don't make anything fancy, but I don't have too many complaints from my husband. I have made a few clunkers..but that's part of the fun. My recipes board on Pinterest is overflowing with things I'd like to make (but probably never will get around to doing them).

I feel like when I have a hard day having something decadent is a reward earned. I realize that this is a completely unhealthy view of food, but I don't know how to change it. I've resigned that I will never be one of those people (like my husband) that sees food as only fuel.

It's my vice. I don't smoke, do drugs and rarely drink anymore.

So after a full month of avoiding my scale, or even worse..stepping on it with one eye covered..I've given up. I just don't have the mojo to keep counting points. I want to. I need to. I just feel like all my energy right now if being funneled into other things (like running from work to therapy appointments and wrestling a kid to get him to brush his teeth).

So I'm publicly telling you that I'm a quitter. Maybe the embarassement of it all will be enough to get me going again. Maybe I'll get around to it next month.

If you have any low fat recipes..please feel free to share them with me! Or maybe if you do any workout videos on Netflix that wont kill a really out of shape person..please let me know what they are.

I'm on overload

We have had SO much going on since Ben started school. Last week finished up week 3 of Kindergarten, and it was the first week that he made it through an entire week of school without coming home sick. (but just barely). He has been a sponge for every free floating bacteria that has been around.

Week 1- he had the stomach flu. He woke up crying (which is not normal) and like a fool I gave him juice even after he first refused it. Thankfully he had it come back up before we took him to school.

Week 2- still not feeling great. Came home early that Friday because he wasn't eating and was listless. I got home and he instantly perked up and became and eating machine. I think he played me.

Week 3- voice started going and could tell that he was really really phleggmy. Behavior has been off the charts. I made the hard call of giving him Bromfed to ease the congestion, but it made him irritable and I got hit *A LOT* . He would be happily watching the Ipad, and then dart across the room just to hit me and then return back to the ipad. I'm pretty sure this was an attention seeking behavior. I'm not even sure what I could have done more. By the end of last night he'd lost the privilege to play with any of his trains and the use of the ipad. He also had a horrible transition from his ST to his OT. She's a wonderful lady with the patience of Job (thank God). But at one point he hit her in the face. I can't tell you how mortifying that is. And it took every ounce of my being to not jerk him out of there and get swiftly spanked.

Let's hope week 4 starts out a little better. I did warn his teacher about the aggression. And thankfully I'm meeting with his behavioral therapist today to see what more we can do.

He's such a sweet child most of the time. But I'm sure that being sick, and not being able to communicate how you feel..your wants..your needs has got to be incredibly frustrating!!

Somehow I've managed to not get sick Oh lord I've probably just cursed us!  I just want us to get into a more normal routine. Maybe this will be our week!  And if not..we'll just keep working til it is..that's all I can do, right??

Transition week

Today is B's last day of daycare/preschool. I was sad just walking in there this morning. Over the last year and a half I feel like I've been the one that's made friends. They have been my allies. They've listened to me vent. They have helped B improve his skills. They care about him and us as a unit. That's how it's supposed to work, right? I feel that these women aren't there to just collect paychecks. They really have invested in each child.

Tomorrow starts our real journey into public school. No more preschool without grades. It's the big league now. I know that I'm more nervous than B is. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't even realize that this is the beginning of the next 13 years of his life. He just knows that his school is a fun place. Filled with distractions before the bus comes to get him or Mommy arrives in the car rider line.

I'm really hoping that these new people will bond with him..the way that his daycare did. I don't expect them to love him as much as if they were his own. But I want them to want him to succeed. I want them to want more for him..to achieve new independence. I know I'm hoping for a lot here.

So please keep us in your prayers that the next week goes well. We still have a lot of new transitions: 2 new therapists, new therapy appointment times (which means a change in my work schedule), and possibly adding medication into the mix in the future.

Semi wordless Wednesday

The weekend before last we went to a local Agro-tourism business called Gallrein Farms. Ben loves animals..from a distance. Up close they can be a little intimidating. He had to be helped to pet them, and then  shied away from actually feeding them. This place is great during the fall when it's pumpkin picking season. Can't wait!!

He's a lover AND a fighter

To say that this week has been stressful is an understatement. It has been a series of Dr visits, phone calls, schedule rearrangement, and just plain ol life that has all of us in a tizzy!

Last week I took B to his 5 yr old well check with his primary. He pretty much hates doctors right now. You would too if every time you went they poked and prodded you or stuck a tongue depressor down your throat.  We got some hard (for us) news that B has high cholesterol. What kills me is that he has such a limited amount of foods that he will eat. Beside maybe 1 tbsp of peanut butter a day, 1 piece of cheese daily, or the occasional french fry or chicken nugget, he doesn't really eat anything that I would classify as "bad". He drinks skim milk, eats lots of yogurt and raisins and all his bread is whole wheat.  We also found that he's only in the 15th percentile for height but 95th for weight, putting him at risk for obesity.

The Dr. threw around a bunch of theories (such as he doesn't move around enough..ha! to Prader-Willie Syndrome) and ordered a massive set of blood work. Today we took him to the children's hospital to get it all done. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep well last night because I knew how stressful today would be.

It literally took 2 nurses, a special nurse from the ER, a phlebotomist, my husband and I and one person that work as a childlife specialist for the hospital to get it done. They had to stick him 3 times (hand and once in each arm) to finally get it done.

You have never seen a child fight so hard. That is one thing that I will give B..his will to fight is amazing. I know that this will serve him well as he gets older. We've always joked, even during his actual birth, that he's like a UFC fighter.

Perhaps that's why he's come as far as he has.

I felt so guilty for having to take him there and hold him down like that.  As a parent you know what's good for your child, but having to be the bad cop all the time isn't fun!

By the time we got out to the car he was eating his usual breakfast and seemed to be happy. The wonderful people at Kosair gave him a set of Thomas bath toys (he was in heaven).  He carried on with the rest of the day and went to speech therapy and then saw his case worker.

He also was so exhausted that he had to lay down and fell asleep.  Before he drifted off though he wouldn't let my arm go. Smothering me with the sweetest kisses. Lately he's been the kissing king. He loves to love on   people. I'm so fortunate to have child that can express his love so freely.

Hopefully we'll have the test results back quickly. Until then I'm going to just keep enjoying my little love bug!

Real Conversations

This is an actual conversation I had this week with someone who actually works in the public school system.

Me:  I need to set up aftercare for my son. He's starting Kindergarten this fall.
Head of the program: OK...well you have to fill out the paperwork online.
Me: He is going to be in the special needs/complex needs program. Does that make any difference?
<big pause>
HOTP: So..uh..what's wrong with him? Uh..I mean..why is he in there?
Me: He has Autism.
HOTP: How severe is he? Does he need a lot of supervision? Is he a runner? Who was his teacher last year so I can talk to her to find out if we have to hire someone special to watch him?

And that's where the conversation gets more difficult....for me that is.

I don't exactly know how to classify B's Autism. Sometimes I wish there were a scale from 1-10 that you could just rattle off.  Or a system like the National Security Warning System that has everything nicely color coded and easy to understand. I could print it out on cards and give it to people at Sunday School or when we go to public play places.

Autism is such a complicated thing. I've heard people with Autism compared to snowflakes. No two alike..all special and unique. And of course, most of us in this club, have either heard or repeated the saying, "When you've met one person with Autism..then you've met one person with Autism."

I love when people ask me questions about Autism. I find it therapeutic to talk about B's challenges and triumphs. And for those of you who know me, know that there isn't too much that is a taboo topic with me. But the question of how "severe" he is always throws me off.

B can do puzzles like no one's business. One of the people at his daycare has said to me that he does everything with a purpose. He may not play with toys like others, but he's always doing something with them. Last week I got to see him line up his animals 2 by 2 across a long table and announce that it was an animal parade. I used to tell people that he wasn't verbal, but that's not true. Truth is, he's extremely verbal. To the point that he's ALWAYS making noise (and we can't hear the TV). Sometimes he's just humming and "doot doot-ing". A lot of the time he's recounting stories from Thomas or mentioning something about Busytown that he watched the day before (and the day before...and the day before...) His memory is amazing! I wish I could recall conversations and details that he observes.  But on the flip side, we have potty issues and problems following simple commands. At 5 he can't dress himself or trace letters. And then in other ways he's just like every other kid I know. He has tantrums when he wants something. he loves Oreos and tries to sneak sweets off the counter. I'm not going to dwell on what we haven't mastered  or just doesn't seem to get, but it's so frustrating!

So how do you answer that question easily? I usually laugh and just tell people that he's a "hot mess" and that we have come a long way. It's the truth. We have come an awful long way. (And before you get offended about the hot mess part..know that I'm the biggest hot mess I know!)  I can't wait to see how much further he goes.

Easy is not in our vocabulary

B has NEVER been an easy child. I had to have a csection because he was "sunny side up". He had pyloric stenosis and required surgery on his stomach at 5 weeks old. He cried a lot as an infant. He never slept well until he was 2 and we had PE tubes in his ears. Then last year was the horrible tonsillectomy that required us to be in the hospital for a couple days because he wouldn't take pain medication. Not that I'm complaining...but things for us have just never come easy. We're still learning this lesson through attempts to potty train at 5, and even just getting him to say his name and how old he is.

Today I got a reminder of my constant lesson. I had to run in the grocery store and out quickly because he was almost out of his lactose free milk (of course he gets special milk!) and we ran out of pull-ups at the daycare. He is such a creature of habit and you think by now I would remember this but I thought, "This will take 5 minutes!" I swear that I tempt the universe more than I should.

I went in the opposite door than I normally go in since both items were on a certain side of the store. Typically, B insists on riding in the car cart..you know the monster sized cart attached to a pretend car. He almost can't get in and out of it anymore. We have our usual route around the store: through veggies/fruits, hit the bakery for the free cookie, and then through the rest of the store. Make the loop at the checkout and go back out through the same door.

But not today! And he was great! He held my hand and babbled happily while we talked about the products we were passing. He stood pretty much by me holding my keys while I paid for purchases and then held my hand as we exited. Until he realized that we went out the door on the wrong side of the store. I think my biggest flaw was just as we were walking out of the store I looked down to his eye level and said "Ben, I'm SO proud of you!! You had awesome behavior!!"

And then he threw himself on the sidewalk. He flailed yelling "NOOO GO DIS WAY!!!" People walked by as Ben is feverishly trying to get back into the store. So I took him back inside and realized what he was mad about. He wanted his cookie. I believe that he has equated that being good in the store equates getting a cookie.

We went back in..all the way to the other side of the store and got the cookie. And I made sure we went out the "right" door and walked across the store from the outside. Sometimes it's just easier to give in and bow to his routines , even if it's not convenient to me, to avoid the fits.  He can't win every battle, but this one he did.

While even the most mundane tasks aren't easy in our house, I promise you, it's never boring. I'm glad that I've learned to laugh about most things (later). I've also had to give up on vanities in front of people. That kind of goes out of the window while you're crawling after your child on the floor of a store. Or while your child is barefoot in Target and licks the floor in the check out lane. Yeah, it really stops being important then.